Pilot (CLUEDO)
Pilot is the first installment of Season 01 and the first episode overall. It was written and directed by Tom. Episode It was a cold, stormy night. Tom Dylan had just arrived to the Gardner mansion. He entered the mansion, where he saw Criminal, the maid, preparing the table on the dinner room. Nobody knew Crim's real name, so they started calling her Crim. TOM: Hi, how are you doing? CRIM: Cricket. TOM: Fuck off. Tom prepares to leave the kitchen, but Crim grabs his arm in time. CRIM: Help me, educate me, on why the fuck is Grace doing this. Those fucking bath salts have possessed that bitch's brain? The woman Crim referred to was Grace Gardner, their boss. After her dad got fucked by Dean Munsch, she moved to Beverly Hills and started to become a self-centered bitch with lots of money and literally no men on the house. TOM: Look, it happened before and everything went correctly, ok? No need to worry now. CRIM: But Tom... TOM: WHAT? CRIM: ...Cricket. Tom leaves the dinner room and goes to the kitchen, where Claire is singing a little song. CLAIRE (singing): COOKING CAN BE REALLY FUN, IF YOU'RE FUCKING REALLY DRUNK! TOM: ''*cof* *cof*'' CLAIRE: Bitch, how dare you. TOM: Shut the fuck up and give me wine. Claire gives him the wine and drinks another bottle in three seconds. CLAIRE: I can't believe you are drinking it you sadist. TOM: Let me tell you the reasons why I am drinking it: A - I am Grace Gardner's butler; B - I haven't had sex in two weeks; C - My boss is probably trying to murder me by inviting a bunch of basic bitches into her mansion. CLAIRE: Same, to be honest. The door bell rings. CLAIRE: Well aparently the basic bitches have arrived. Tom leaves the kitchen and walks into the hall, where he sees a couple. Tom thought the girl looked bitchy, but he definetly had a connection with the guy. CHELSEA (bragging):''' Hi, my name is Chelsea, Chelsea Avenue. I am a millionaire. This is my boyfriend Liam, we are getting married. '''LIAM: Hi, my name is Liam, but you can call me-- CHELSEA: Honey, I thought you were done with that nickname. LIAM: Well bitch, we are not married yet so shut the fuck up. TOM: Dang. LIAM: You can call me Douche Hottie (puts hand on Tom's shoulder and whispers) Don't mind the fakeness of my girlfriend, she's just a bitch. Tom, Liam and Chelsea enter the house. Chelsea grabs Liam's arm. CHELSEA: No anal for you tonight bitch, front butt only. Other guests arrive: Harley Quinn, Sister Whore Sassy, Angela Anaconda, Nanette Manoir, Bobby Briggs and Deputy Garrett Sykes. Crim and Claire comment about them sneakily in the kitchen. CRIM: Ooh, look at those guys, which one would you choose? CLAIRE: I dunno but I wasn't this turned on since I bought Fifty Shades of Grey on Blu-ray. The guests that have arrived are talking in the living room. ANGELA: SHOOBY SHOOBY DOO WAH WAH, MY NAME IS ANGELAAAH NANETTE: Bitch will you fucking dissapear? ANGELA: OH LOOK, IT'S NINNY POOOOOO NANETTE: S'il vous plaît, bitch (Bitch please) DEPUTY SYKES: What do you guys think we are here for? BOBBY: I know, I missed a hair salon reservation for this dipshit. HARLEY: I hope Batsy hasn't gotten my Puddin yet... SISTER: I dunno if I should pray for someone who doesn't even understand the basics of makeup. HARLEY: I will literally shove a bat up your hairy asshole do you hear me you mother-- The doorbell rings. TOM: I'll get it. Tom opens the door and sees a bloody Amy Hughes, a confused Angelle, cocaine-on-her-face Mandy Methlord and fabulous Regina George. TOM: Welcome to hell, bitch. ANGELLE: wot REGINA: Don't you mean my husband's penis? AMY: I just killed someone. All of them enter the living room. Some minutes later, they finish dinner. TOM: Ok, now that all of you finished your dinner, someone very important is expecting you at the library. HARLEY: Oh my god, is it Puddin? SISTER: Bitch stop I'm hungry. AMY: Yeah me-- Deputy Sykes handcuffs Amy. AMY: What the actual fuck. Everyone goes to the library and sits down, including Crim and Claire. Tom opens a package that says "To: Tom". TOM: Everyone of you is here for a reason. A person. And her name is Grace Gardner. Grace Gardner enters the library. GRACE: Hello, everyone. TOM: Anyways, I assume all of you got a letter saying to meet up here. Grace, did you receive the same letter? GRACE: Bitch cut to the fucking point I'm getting bored. CRIM: Same to be honest. ANGELLE: Hurry up, the new DR episode just came out and I need to watch it HURRY THE FUCK--- DOUCHE (flirting):''' I think your speech is amaz-- '''CHELSEA: Me and Liam, we both think you should cut to the point. TOM: ALRIGHT STUPID HIPPOS! All of you are here because this stupid little bitch (points to Grace) she blackmailed all of you bitches and wasted all your money on bath salts. Amy breaks her handcuffs and lunges at Grace and starts beating the shit out of her. AMY: HOW DO YOU LIKE THESE BATH SALTS NOW, BITCH! Deputy Sykes handcuffs Amy again and throws her on the couch. GRACE: I like my bath salts just like they are. By the way, I'm offering you bitches a proposition. The doors are locked-- ANGELLE: Wait wot? GRACE: And my butler has the keys. (starts distributing boxes with weapons) I say we kill him, take the keys from his pocket, leave the house and pretend nothing has ever happened. I'm gonna turn off the lights and when it happens, I wanna see the blood spill on that ratchet hoe. TOM: You betraying little bitch! GRACE (shutting off the lights):' Sweet dreams, bitch. ''The lights go off. They hear a scream. Someone turns on the lights and everyone sees Grace with a knife on her chest. Everyone screams. '''REGINA: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK THIS IS MORE SHITTY THAN MEAN GIRLS 2! MANDY: Am I on meth or... CHELSEA: ...the bitch is dead? CLAIRE: Wait, where the fuck is Crim? Crim enters in the library with the radio and starts playing "Macarena" and starts dancing. ANGELLE: wot teh fock SISTER: I will pray for your spelling. Reception How Would You Rate This Episode? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Category:Episodes of "CLUEDO"